Tuesday, January 09, 2007

If this doesn't make you laugh, then I feel sorry for you!

Last weekend, I bought my usual copy of The Irish Catholic, issue dated Thursday 4th January 2007, and read something that nearly made me die laughing.

It's by author and journalist Aubrey Malone, who regularly writes film reviews. But with tongue firmly in cheek, he has come up with "Movie Predictions for 2007".

Grateful thanks to Editor Garry O'Sullivan for permission to reproduce here.


Shirley MacLaine claims Marlon Brando has come back to life as her new goldfish. Plans biopic to mark the occasion.

Jack Black signs contract with Columbia to make 17 films about a dysfunctional vegetable salesman with cross-dressing issues.

Julia Roberts gets a barring order against Danny Moder because he keeps wearing the same turquoise shirt.

Kevin Costner to make new 4-hour epic about shoelaces.


New James Bond for the screen, with orange hair.

Jennifer Aniston changes her name to Jennifer Jolie to annoy Brad Pitt.

Burt Reynolds announces screen comeback, as a chimpanzee.

Robert de Niro in Raging Bull prequel, Raging Calf. The make-up will take 3 years.

Robert Downey Junior becomes barman in Betty Ford Clinic.

Sean Penn announces he will appear in John Lennon biopic. To get "into" the part he's going to have himself shot for real, with five rounds of ammunition. He's to receive $20,000 for the part, but his medical bills will be another $150 million onto that.


Robert de Niro cameos in Fair City.

Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger to make a film about a couple who are trying to murder one another. Baldwin accuses the director of typecasting.

National Enquirer scoop: "James Dean Spotted Shooting Up In The Viper Room".

Vince Vaughan moves in with Brad Pitt.

Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie announce plans for new chick flick.


Matt Damon sues the Enquirer for accusing him of being interesting. In a startling court development, he wins the case after removing his glasses in front of the jury.

Nick Nolte plays binliner in new Oscar-nominated blockbuster which will also feature Ashton Kutcher as a soother.

Robert de Niro does cameo in The Simpsons.

Latest Enquirer exclusive: Elvis Plotted To Assassinate Marilyn Monroe.

New Michael Barrymore biopic mooted. Barrymore applies to play the lead role but is rejected because deemed to be "too tall".


Kiera Knightley to star as the new "Jane" Bond. (Pierce Brosnan now wants to be Q).

Jack Black announces he's currently shooting Dodgeball 2 - he will play the ball.

Quentin Tarantino to cut mother's arm off in new martial arts flick. "She's philosophical about it", he explains, "she knows it's in the cause of art".


Michael Jackson to play the part of a toy train in new Disney "vehicle".

Jessica Simpson sells her teeth for a record six figure sum. They're to be used as piano keys in a Liberace biopic.

National Enquirer scoop: "I Saw Neil Jordan Smile". Jordan, in his defence, says it was unintentional. "I tried to grimace and it went wrong". He wants to re-shoot the piece of footage in question.

Robert de Niro to audition for The X Factor.

Elsewhere, Oliver Stone announces details of his new John F. Kennedy movie which claims that JFK was a love-child of Adolf Hitler and conspired with Marilyn Monroe to assassinate Fidel Castro. "It will be the usual meat and two veg affair", says Stone to a bunch of critics attending a sneak preview in Cannes.


Tom Cruise says he wants to re-marry Katie Holmes, the ceremony to take place on the sofa on Oprah.

Sequel to The Da Vinci Code planned with the Pope as the assassin of a curator in this version.

Charlize Theron says she'll marry Stuart Townsend in 2019. A caterer in Howth has been inked in to make the wedding cake.

Elvis Presley comes back from the grave to make new movie: I Shot John Lennon.


Angelina Jolie adopts 37 babies from Biafra as Brad Pitt loads up on the Pampers in his local Starbucks. Brad has third thoughts about his second thoughts about Angelina Jolie, thereby reverting to his first ones.

New re-make of Jaws mooted, with Jay Leno in title role.


Oprah Winfrey suggests Brad Pitt should marry Katie Holmes. Holmes in tabloid rumour of relationship with Angelina Jolie.

Warren Beatty attends birth of next wife.

Sharon Stone to appear in another Basic Instinct sequel, this time as the ice pick.

Sean Penn says he still loves Madonna and is going to name his first ulcer after her.

Demi Moore appears in new movie fully clothed, but nobody recognises her.

Brokeback Mountain sequel planned. This time Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhall will be straight, but the horse will be gay.


Ben Affleck publishes his autobiography but publishers reject it when they find it contains just one sentence: "My name is Ben Affleck".

Robert de Niro to guest-host Tubridy Tonight.

National Enquirer sensation: "Elvis Had JFK Wiped Out Because Of Secret Infatuation With Marilyn".

Ben Stiller inked in for sequel to Meet The Parents - Meet The Divorce Attorneys.

Madonna becomes born-again atheist.

Cher dedicates her latest song to her plastic surgeon: "Everytime You Go Away (You Take A Part Of Me With You)".


Jessica Simpson drops out of Helen Keller biopic because: "I couldn't remember the dialogue".

Catherine Zeta Jones agrees to auction Michael Douglas' zimmer frame for charity.

National Enquirer scoop: "Marilyn Monroe And Elvis Presley Still Alive And About To Make New Movie In Catskills". It will be about a bunch of extra terrestrials trying to take over Hollywood and turn it into a theme park for demented cyborgs.


Bob Dylan to appear in a movie about his life, but refuses to talk to the director because "He keeps asking me questions about myself".

Ben Affleck nominated for Oscar for playing a wardrobe in latest David Lynch chiller.

National Enquirer scoop: "Marlon Brando Populated The Entire Island Of Tetiorea".

New James Bond for the screen - with pink feet.

Sienna Miller dating Jude Law's babysitter.

Angelina Jolie delivers Brad Pitt's baby. They call it Brangelina. Nobody is quite sure if it's a boy or girl. "What does it matter if the name fits", Brad tells interviewers at the hospital.

Tom Cruise allows Katie Holmes to get pregnant, but only on condition that she promises to keep quiet during the birth.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Agenda for 2007!

Happy New Year to you all, and sorry for being away from here so long.

So 2007 has arrived, and I have decided on my New Year's Resolutions for 2007.

Answer: none whatsoever, so I don't have to go through the demotivating experience of failure.

So what's happening in 2007? Well, in Ireland, the first main event looks like being the General Election, which will probably be in either April, May or June this year. It won't be too early in the year, because the weather won't be as good and that might cause a small turnout; and it won't be in July or August because many people go on holidays then as our schools will be closed. So my prediction is May.

What looks interesting about this year is the prospect of what the Irish Independent described last week as Ireland's "dirtiest" EVER General Election.

Fianna Fail, in their bid to stay in power, have engaged an American political consulting firm named Shrum, Devine, Donilan. And the largest opposition party, Fine Gael, have taken on board a different American firm of gurus, Greenberg, Quinlan, Rosner.

If you have an interest in psephology, I recommend visiting Elections Ireland, to which I have linked in the sidebar.

Before the General Election, in Spring, we will have the Six Nations' rugby Championships, and a good performance here by Ireland could result in much hype and expectation for the Rugby World Cup in the autumn.

In Ireland, the "ordinary" people play Gaelic football, hurling, or soccer, and spectate at horse racing. Rugby was always just behind these in popularity, but the success in the last few years, culminating in Munster's European Cup success in 2006, has been a huge boost for the sport - and thus Ireland has not been left behind following the introduction of professionalism into the game.

I remember several years ago doing some research in the National Library in Kildare Street, when I accidentally came across an article in a sporting newspaper either from 1948 or 1949; I can't remember which but I'm pretty sure it was from whatever year Ireland won the Grand Slam. There was a photograph of the 15-man team, and an article describing the players, and also comparing them with past Irish players; but what I noticed most was that this piece had no reference whatsoever to a coach, trainer, or manager.

And of course, most especially we can look forward to the Cheltenham Festival in March.